Sunday, September 02, 2007

I don't know who she is talking too.

I told Karen that I was planning everything as if she was not going with me.

She did not answer. I looked at her and said "you are not answering me". She just shrugged her shoulder. I said "you don't know what you are doing yet"? She said no.

I showed her an article I had written about Why God takes people away from you. It is by far the most popular article with many hits and at or near the top in the Google search engine.

I read it too her. Actually I had requested her to come in here and read it but she said that she was busy and why don't I just read it too her. She has a 50% hearing loss in one ear and trouble concentrating and she is in the other room. So I read it to her as loud without shouting as I could. It is written in a sermon type of format and since I wrote it I of course know where to emphasize.

She apparently did not want to hear this and after I got done with the sermon she went outside.

Later she got on the phone and says to whoever that she told me she is not going with me to serve Jesus. She lied to one of us.

Of course this is confusion so I mulled it over for a few minutes then went over to storage and sat there thinking for a few more minutes. I went home and started packing. She was in the shower and when she came out she said what are you doing. I said what does it look like I am doing. She says are you leaving? I said I am preparing to leave-if I had somewhere to go today I would be gone. I felt as heavy as a pile of bricks. She said why are you doing this (a surprise question to me)? I said when you were talking to your mom you were talking really loud. I heard what you said. You lied to your mom or you lied to me. She said "I don't understand"? I said, "you told her that you told me you were not going with me when in actuality I told you I did not want you to go and that you were not going with me. I said because you do this constantly you paint me as some kind of monster when I am not. I said you need to call her and make a correction. She said that she "would do it tomorrow" as I continued to pack I told her she should do it today. She said ok and went to get her phone and called but her mom was not in.
We sat down and had a little heart to heart for a change. I told her that she had lied to everyone around her and that those are symptoms of someone trying to hide from everyone. I said it made her look bad. I tried to explain as best as I knew what her primary problem was. 'Fear'. I told her that I understood exactly what she was going through and that I knew that she could overcome the problem. I told her I did not think her dumb. I told her I knew that she had a very low self esteem and that my cussing her out for screwing up big time wasn't helping her but I also told her she could overcome all of these problems and though she had made these things part of her by man's considerations it would take years to conquer her self that also if she would just put her faith in God that she could overcome her problems in a very short period of time but that I was no longer able or willing to wait for her to get better. She had long ago destroyed even her own families trust in her that her family has no room for her back in Virginia. The mean thing to say i suppose(I have never said this to her)is she made her bed she is just going to have to lay in it by herself but I didn't say that.

She doesn't like her dad. I don't like my mom and even though both of us longed to have good relationships with our parents we were symply not able to have one. It also makes it difficult for us in marriage because men are men and women are women.

She told me she was afraid to be alone. So she will be moving in with a friend. I remember how terrified I was ten years ago about being alone. Now I am looking forward to it. To be master of myself like Jesus says we should be content to be. I am really looking forward to it.

I know that my and her heart will ache for a while but it is necessary. Like I said to many people better than 6 years ago. If I was meant to be married I would have still been married to my first wife. I am not meant to be married.

I have a job prospect right now and will probably take advantage of it for 30 days or so just to put a little extra cash in the kitty for the trip to where ever.

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