Saturday, September 08, 2007
The Devil hates details and he likes the ambiguity of generalities. It gives Satin plenty of room to maneuver and pull his lying @$$ s--t.
No......the TRUTH is in the details. This is where things add up or don't. The place where the lies stand out like broken records.
That is why I spend so much time examining everything I can down to the molecular level even trying to understand what the truth really is.
That is why laws should be very simple straight forward and easy to understand like as in thou shall not. The more wordy a law gets the easier it is for the Devil to manipulate the situation.
The rest should be left up to the people to decide what is the truth and to accept or reject what people say and do or to patronize or not patronize.
She came home from a day out there in the big bad ol world Thursday Sep 6th and I asked her well what the preach say.
She said that she told the preach there was no way we were going to be getting back together(I wonder what gave her that idea?)and that her reason was that I always thought she was lying(I wonder why?)
I said to her. Do you realize that you just showed the preacher your disease. I reminded her that she already told the preach that she had told him she lied to me and that was a big reason for me being mad at her a lalalala. and then she just made a statement that would cause a preach to think I was nuts because I wouldn't believe her. If I was a preach in a church with 4400 members I might not remember what she said to me last time. I might think that I was at fault.
The only fault I have is in picking a mate when I can't see the bi-polar personality traits before I make a commitment in front of God and keep picking women who cannot be faithful or are clinically nuts holding out way too much hope that they can be made better or will get better or will see the error of their ways. They can't and/or won't and there is no hope on this earth of a cure and it has taken me 30 long years to accept that fact that if they are nuts they are nuts and I am not able to do anything to change that fact and that hurts. It makes me feel like a failure. I don't like giving up and I don't like giving up hope on anything. It is just one more thing of this world that I have had to give up hope in. It places me in the position of giving God more room in my heart and the war between my flesh and my spirit just went one more notch to my spirit.
Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Like I said I believe I have figured out why I keep getting involved with nutty women and though I have told some personal acquaintances I will not divulge it in an open web site.
To my road crew I say this..........have patience. I will be a bustin out of this burg as soon as I am able.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Rev 14:4 These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
All that makes me want to do is wish I would have taken off with the 5000 bucks back in May when I saw her symptoms rear there ugly head.
I told her if anyone asks just tell them we don't like each other and we are going our separate ways that's all.
She has got her mommy so riled up that her mommy thinks that something bad is going to happen to her.
I want to assure the world that so long as I am here and she is in my house that I will not do anything to harm her and that I WILL DEFEND HER WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
I do not hate her I just want her out the door.
She feels guilty. she feels so guilty that it is like a ton of weight on her. She is guilty. People don't you realize that guilt is a universal thing. That it is the holy spirit making you feel guilt. She has dedicated her life to Jesus and what she is doing is an abomination before God. I guess she thinks that God will just keep right on forgiving her except for one thing. If you do something long enough God will just turn you over to the doing of it.
I would say that she may be in the category of one of those people who are in danger of Judgement that Jesus speaks of. I know the heart of God. He does not wish this for her but if she does not change she will. god is no respecter of persons. So there is not going to be any excuse like 'but God I was bi-polar I didn't have any choice'. I don't think that is going to carry one ounce of weight with God. Well the truth is she does have a choice or does she? Maybe she would get away with 'It was your will that I be this way and I could not fight your will'.
Either way. I just want away from her or her away from me. I am praying and hoping for the middle of next week. I Hope I hope I hope I hope.
I had a great conversation about serving God with a firefighter at Walmart. In fact AI had met him before and he told me that he hated to hear that I was leaving and that I had had a larger impact than I thought. He reminded me of the conversation we had had in which as a customer I had given him the calming word of a man who was following Jesus that I would get to his unit and solve the problem. He said that made such an impression on him that he began to use the very same with others and how God graced him with the same effect. I started to cry and told him that for most of my life I have worked for God without the requirement of feedback. I have especially since 1997 certainly asked God to take all of the credit and reserve none of it for me. I don't and cannot take any credit for any positive or good thing that occurs around me due to my preaching the Gospel or telling people about what God has taught me about the Kingdom of Heaven. It is very hard sometimes because under these circumstances we don't really get the feedback which tells us if we are being effective or of base. It is just anther way of placing full trust and confidence in our Mighty God. I am of course distressed at my personal situation and that God would see fit to encourage me that I am indeed doing the will and heart of God overwhelmed me. To be able to be used as tool to spread the Love of God which is life to me is what I asked for and to find out that it was bearing wonderful fruit is beyond my ability to contain my joy.
In spite of my personal problem and idiosyncrasies in spite of my weakness and my sin God still sees fit to do His good works through me this poor decrepit imperfect vessel.
Wouldn't you like to be such a tool?
All it takes is a desire to love him and when given unto you to do a commitment to him and he will do through you the works of Love that he has ordained for you to do in the fullness of joy...... absolutely indescribable joy.
Monday, September 03, 2007
I had pulled up the the intersection of Corder Rd and Russell Parkway in the left turn lain when I saw what appeared to be Karen in her car. Now the Lambs Well is across town from here but maybe she went to her secret bank(you now....the one she created a new account that I don't know about...supposedly). If that was the case then the direction she was going(west) is on the way there.
It only took about 10 minutes to unload and as I headed back home I suddenly got a little urge to drive on by the Lambs Well just to see if she was there. Nope She wasn't . So I said well if that is the only place she was going and that is the only place she said she was going then she is probably back at the house. Nope she ain't here. OH I suppose there could be a logical reason for this.
She told me this morning she made it right with her mom but Why did this house have the heavy feeling of Bulls--t.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
She did not answer. I looked at her and said "you are not answering me". She just shrugged her shoulder. I said "you don't know what you are doing yet"? She said no.
I showed her an article I had written about Why God takes people away from you. It is by far the most popular article with many hits and at or near the top in the Google search engine.
I read it too her. Actually I had requested her to come in here and read it but she said that she was busy and why don't I just read it too her. She has a 50% hearing loss in one ear and trouble concentrating and she is in the other room. So I read it to her as loud without shouting as I could. It is written in a sermon type of format and since I wrote it I of course know where to emphasize.
She apparently did not want to hear this and after I got done with the sermon she went outside.
Later she got on the phone and says to whoever that she told me she is not going with me to serve Jesus. She lied to one of us.
Of course this is confusion so I mulled it over for a few minutes then went over to storage and sat there thinking for a few more minutes. I went home and started packing. She was in the shower and when she came out she said what are you doing. I said what does it look like I am doing. She says are you leaving? I said I am preparing to leave-if I had somewhere to go today I would be gone. I felt as heavy as a pile of bricks. She said why are you doing this (a surprise question to me)? I said when you were talking to your mom you were talking really loud. I heard what you said. You lied to your mom or you lied to me. She said "I don't understand"? I said, "you told her that you told me you were not going with me when in actuality I told you I did not want you to go and that you were not going with me. I said because you do this constantly you paint me as some kind of monster when I am not. I said you need to call her and make a correction. She said that she "would do it tomorrow" as I continued to pack I told her she should do it today. She said ok and went to get her phone and called but her mom was not in.
We sat down and had a little heart to heart for a change. I told her that she had lied to everyone around her and that those are symptoms of someone trying to hide from everyone. I said it made her look bad. I tried to explain as best as I knew what her primary problem was. 'Fear'. I told her that I understood exactly what she was going through and that I knew that she could overcome the problem. I told her I did not think her dumb. I told her I knew that she had a very low self esteem and that my cussing her out for screwing up big time wasn't helping her but I also told her she could overcome all of these problems and though she had made these things part of her by man's considerations it would take years to conquer her self that also if she would just put her faith in God that she could overcome her problems in a very short period of time but that I was no longer able or willing to wait for her to get better. She had long ago destroyed even her own families trust in her that her family has no room for her back in Virginia. The mean thing to say i suppose(I have never said this to her)is she made her bed she is just going to have to lay in it by herself but I didn't say that.
She doesn't like her dad. I don't like my mom and even though both of us longed to have good relationships with our parents we were symply not able to have one. It also makes it difficult for us in marriage because men are men and women are women.
She told me she was afraid to be alone. So she will be moving in with a friend. I remember how terrified I was ten years ago about being alone. Now I am looking forward to it. To be master of myself like Jesus says we should be content to be. I am really looking forward to it.
I know that my and her heart will ache for a while but it is necessary. Like I said to many people better than 6 years ago. If I was meant to be married I would have still been married to my first wife. I am not meant to be married.
I have a job prospect right now and will probably take advantage of it for 30 days or so just to put a little extra cash in the kitty for the trip to where ever.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Flies find dead possum. Lays eggs. Maggots eat possum. All up. Maggots now have no more food and go a foragin.
I now have maggots crawling out of my WALLS!!! @#$%%^&*&^@##***.
Did I tell you my wife has been diagnosed with BI-POLAR DISEASE??????
Friday, August 31, 2007
I unloaded the 12 gage and hid it and all the ammo I could find. As soon as I can find the case for it I am going to lock it up in storage.
The last thing I want to walk into....is finding her like that.
And that is another thing I need to list in the previous entry concerning bi-polar disease.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
It upsets me to realize that the last two wives both have the disease.
Some of the outward symptoms are
Inability to prioritize,
Inability to make decisions,
Destructive behavior patterns,
Inability to keep a job,
Inability to manage money,
Destructivly obsessive traits,
Destructive compulsive traits,
My personal experience with these people who have this disease is that they are paranoid, fearful, pathological liars, manipulative, controlling vindictive and vengeful along with a plethora of other problems. They cannot be reasoned with in any way. Once they have their minds made up they will do whatever they have decided no matter the consequences.
For instance Karen decided to keep the household income to her self thinking that section 8 housing would be instantly available in spite of the fact that we could have been evicted in 30 days from our home and she would have ended up in a homeless shelter.
Karen has told me that she knows that she has these problems and has prayed about them to Jesus often but it take Faith that these things will be overcome both in effort by oneself and that God will be there to strengthen you in the matter. She does not have the faith to go along with the prayers. No faith, no answers to prayer. She is praying faithless prayers or worse, making prayers that she does not want answered, a trait that may make Jesus mad. Not a good thing to do. I know just ask me.
I can't take her out there with me because her commitment to Jesus is far less than is needed to just jaunt off and do something for Jesus such as maybe help build a home with habitat for humanity or serve up free hot dogs on the freeway. It takes a measure of faith to just put yourself in a position when you may not know where your next meal is coming from. Faith that at this time she doesn't have. We could get out there with meager resources and she could have one of her patent panic attacks and burn up what little money we had just to get her someplace she would feel safe.
She doesn't realize that it is the Holy spirit convicting her of her sins and instead is writing her guilt off as depression.
Most of them have been victimized.
There is a cure though.
I'm movin on. I'll soon be gone.( Old Hank Snow song)
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.
For those of you who have not done such a thing as this or think it is foolhardy. Don't be a writin it off as some kind of mid-life crises. I have done this before, ten years ago, living mostly out of my car for 14 months before God stilled me. I am fully aware of the choice that I make. I do this because this is what is in my heart to do and for no other reason. I am not completely animated; that is, I am not truly living unless I am talking about God, Jesus, and His Kingdom of Love, Light, Joy, and Peace. I have to do this or I die inside no less. The worst is I start to look like I am dieing on the outside, like some kind of death warmed over. You know.........like the pictures in my archives.
I think that in a couple of days that my Internet service will be cut so just in case I don't find my way back to the Blogosphere..............It's been real.
God Bless and remember,
God is always in total control so don't sweat it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Karen has committed to go with me.
I can not turn down the request of another to serve God.
No matter what I think of what Karen or any of the things she has done all of those things are set aside and must be forgotten.
I Love Jesus and I Will forgive.
I am grateful because I will not be going alone.
I know that what we are about to do is unorthodox if thought of in today's concerns about preparations that we think we need to make but then the apostles went out in their day similarly unprepared. They went out knowing that the way was already made.
We go out knowing that the way is already made.
Monday, August 27, 2007
THERE IT WAS. That freaking smell of what I think is dope. In particular CRACK.
Between the time I had been in there; 8-9 o'clock (no smell)and the time I had turned off the TV(smell) she done something.
I would be willing to bet that if I had the sheriff bring the drug dogs in here I might get some satisfaction in seeing her out of here in cuffs or would I? No matter how mad I am at the prospect I still have not directly observed the miss deed and then there is the hard choice to have someone whom I have considered beloved even if it is in the past. So I will wait until I have absolute confirmation lest I do something undeniably stupid. After all there could be some completely logical explanation.
Of course after the way that this same dept. treated me last week I don't know if I trust them so maybe I should take it to the next couple of levels. Do a little bypass and some sideways movement to get some honest cops in here to nab her. But you and I will have to wait. Have to.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Civilisation is not dependant upon the law.
All nations have laws and some of them enforce their laws upon penalty of death even for the most minor infraction. Unfortunately that does not guarantee civilized behavior. In fact the truth is that most of the time that type of enforcement leads to de-civilisation.
The people of a nation will do what the example of the government and the courts so set.
The United States is no different. The United states is not heading towards a more civilized and safe society but a more lawless and uncivilized society. The people are following the example set by the government and law enforcement and the courts. If the law is enforced by lawless lawmen(an oxymoron)who take it upon themselves to be judge and jury; lying (an uncivilized behavior pattern), and using cruel and unusual punishment methods(draconian and barbaric) that cause permanent incapacitation or death then the people will take that as an example and do the same. This must truly confound social scientists which I don't understand considering that the results of their social manipulations in the U.S. have lead to more lawlessness not less. A compromise between true peaceful civilization and a draconian nation is only a step towards a draconian civilization. If it is a draconian society the people want then the people will do what they have to do to get draconian. Problem is I keep hearing that that is not what the people want. Unfortunately unless people change there minds and stop blindly following their instincts feelings or the beliefs of the educated who are leading the masses to de-civilization through their willing and blind lackeys who put on a uniform, badge, and gun and say it is the law because I say it is the law, Not their call, never the less it will be a poverty enslaved nation that they receive and it will be a nation of their choosing.
In a short answer to why we have more crime. Cops are moving America to de-civilization by their uncivilized behavior. And the general American Public are willingly following being led by the blindness of cops narrow views. The American Public is indeed the blind following the blind.
Civilization is in the hearts and minds of the people and what is Truly in the hearts and minds of the people they will do.
You may note that I am not giving you any ideas on how to improve the situation. Previously I was obsessive about civilization remaining civilized. I am now cheering on the onset of de-civilisation and am now not interested in helping anyone figure out how to avoid it.
Yet I have a story.
There is a bridge over a chasm and on the bridge were all the people. It was hot and when the people looked on the up-river side of the bridge the water was smooth and gentle. the water is calling out to the people to jump in and cool off. Take a drink I will quench your thirst. there is no way off of the bridge the people knew so some so thirsty and hot jumped in thinking that they would be well. That they could not see for did not look on the other side of the bridge the water was a raging boiling rapid. for under the bridge unbeknown to the people on the bridge their was a tall water fall. The people who jumped in were swept over the fall and were now caught and screaming for help. Yet the people on the bridge were wise and stood there only able to watch in horror exclaiming oh my don't jump off into the water for you will surely drown.
The years and the decades passed and and soon it was a century but before the second century was past and With each new generation in spite of the warnings of the previous generation some jumped in the water And the people could only say we cannot save them only say do do what they do or you will die.
All was well until one day a terrible disease came to the people of the bridge and many of their children were born blind Yet not all the children were blind. Yet the people of the bridge did not fail to warn their new children of the raging water and not to jump in. It was still hot. The people were thirsty but there was no way to receive water from the river. They could only drink what fell from Heaven. Yet the blind ones began to complain and they began to clamor that their thirst was unbearable. Then a second plague came along and made many of the people deaf Yet not all the people were made deaf. Soon children were being born some deaf and some blind and some deaf and blind Yet not all the people were born blind or deaf or blind and deaf. The deaf but not blind could see the gentle water. The blind but not deaf could hear the roaring rapids. The blind and deaf could only smell the sweet scent of water. So the deaf and the deaf and blind began to argue with the blind and those who could hear and see that they should jump in the water and cool off and drink till their fill for those who could see and hear and the blind must surely be crazy. Their was no roiling water down there. Soon they began to war and it was a terrible war many were killed but that was not the worst for the deaf who could see and the blind who could hear began to jump into the water but not all would jump. Immediately they began to scream for help and those who could see hear and the deaf who could see ran to the other side of the bridge and to their horror they could see and hear that the people who had jumped were going to die. Try as they might no matter what they thought they could not find a way to save the people who had jumped into the bridge. The people felt bad and the people felt guilty and the people felt sad and the people felt afraid and the people felt they had failed. So the people who thought if we make life guards who can see and hear and teach them how to swim up here on the bridge they will be strong and brave and jump in the water and swim and save the people who are dieing. so the people did make of themselves lifeguards and gave unto them the power also to keep people from jumping in but also the authority to save if they failed to save them from jumping. But the deaf and blind were too numerous and the lifeguards could not stem the tide of the foolish jumping in the river to get themselves from the heat. So the lifeguards bravely jumped in after the foolish and though they were strong swimmers many were not strong enough and many lifeguards were lost. And though they were brave soon nearly all of the lifeguards were lost but a few were wise and did not jump in the river and they lived.
And just when it was worst another plague struck. and this plague was the worst of all for it mad the children dumb but not all were made dumb. Now there were children being born who were deaf dumb blind and deaf and dumb and blind and deaf dumb and deaf blind and dumb blind but not all were afflicted but the number of those who could see and here and tell were dwindling dwindling dwindling. Soon though those who could see and hear and tell turned from the horror of the screams and refused to tell. some who could see and here and tell gave up hope and jumped in the river yet they uttered not a sound.
And all that was left alive were but a remnant of people who could stand the heat and they drank of the water from Heaven and thanked God for his loving kindness and mercy.
And they lived to tell the story of remembrance until one day angels from above came down and lifted them up to Heaven.
And they drank the water from Heaven and thirsted no more nor did they feel the sun upon their head yet their was light that shown everywhere and they thanked God for his loving kindness and mercy.
And Truly lived forever more.
No God, No civilization.
My wife is excused if she so desires to leave. But I will not excuse her following the cops example to de-civilization.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
One word comes to mind, and it is not alcohol. She doesn't drink. Dope.
If I got the numbers right there is about $20000.00 dollars unacounted for in our budget. You don't know how many times I have come home and thought my house smelled like an animal lived here.
I think I will have the police come back here with their drug dog. If she has any on her I will gladly have her stupid ass thrown in jail.
Meth amphetamine or crack I bet.
Ok I was restless last night so I went down to the local gas station and started talking to the clerk there and she asked me if Karen was eating a lot of sweets? I said yeah she is bringing in bags of sweets and junk food and they're just vaporizing. I mean that she is consuming a lot of them. Fast. She said that the hard drugs make a person rave for sweets.
We talked some more and I told her about the incredible animal smell in my house last year. She said that was marijuana dipped in some other drug and they called it skunk. I also told her about the extraordinary ammonia smell we had sometimes. She said that was probably crack.
I told her I didn't have those smells in my house this year but that she was taking 3 and 4 hour trips. She said that she was probably going down to Perry Ga to pick up the drugs and then going over to a friends house and doing them. Letting herself come down a little before coming home and buying the junk food to satiate her now raving hunger.
And low and behold a Warner robins police officer walks in a so I said how about we ask this guy? So I did. I asked him what could I do if I suspected my wife of doing drugs.
"He said call the police cuz". He looked like he was kind of tired and tired of answering those kind of questions(they probably get asked them all the time). He shrugged his shoulder when I told him maybe get a a drug dog in there but then I remembered she probably doesn't have anything in the house since I just learned that she was probably doing them at someone Else's place.
It now makes a whole lot more sense about why she won't tell me where she is getting some money. She said I would just get mad at them. Also why the pathological lying. I wonder if she is being coerced or blackmailed. I bet she is. Whoops did I catch yas in the act.
Let's see now.........what would be her little conundrum if she borrowed money from a fellow drug addict or drug dealer or worse took some drugs from them on loan.
This is starting to get into the holy crap area. Is it delusional or just hopeful?